It’s impossible to put into words the persistent gnawing and perplexity. Something has begun to eat me from the inside out, and I’m not sure what it is. What is the source of this weight on my mind? This isn’t a migraine. I’m sure I’m ill. Is there a fever on the way? No, it’s not the case. I’m sure it’ll stick with me for a long time. Is it true that I am afraid? I’m attempting to accept its presence. I’ve been taught that just comprehending it is the cure.
There is a palpable and pervasive sense of doom all around us. It’s as though everything has become grey and dark around you. There isn’t a single other hue. Any extra hue is unnecessary. What gives me the desire to weep all of the time? There seemed to be no cause to weep!
This is, however, how it feels. It’s time for the tears to flow. Fatigue becomes overwhelming all of a sudden. Every ounce of vitality is being drained. My limbs are becoming limp, and I really need to sleep. I sleep like there’s no tomorrow, with no desire to get up since I’ve lost all desire to see the world. My bed has been a lifesaver for me.
What happened to my favorite pastimes and activities? Everything has lost its appeal for me. All of the events that are taking place around me seem like they are being broadcast from afar.
Fatigue has become a significant part of my daily routine. What is the best way to communicate this to someone? Is it possible that my appetite has changed? The way people eat has changed. I’ve begun to isolate myself.
I’m not feeling well. This sinking sensation won’t go away. I’m struggling to take a breath. My heart feels heavy, and it’s making me short of breath. I’m dissatisfied with myself and the people in my life. Why do the others let me down? It’s as if I’ve turned into a delicate piece of glass that will shatter at the least provocation. It’s about 3 p.m. What’s the matter with me? I’m not hungry. I push myself to eat something in case someone inquires.
I’m ready to puke right now. I am no longer alive. My life has turned into a haze. The invisible barrier that separates life and death seemed to be teasing me. Breathing continues to be a problem for me. I desperately seek around for someone who can assist me. How do I go about requesting assistance?
So, what am I going to say? Do I tell them that my heart is racing, that I can’t breathe, and that I’m exhausted all the time? How can anybody comprehend this unless they have experienced it for themselves? They’ll assume I’m sick or about to become sick, and they’ll tell me to relax. They’ll invite me out with their mates. I’m not sure how I’m going to tell them that social contact is the last thing on my mind right now. My shoulders and neck are numb with agony. Is there anything wrong with me?
I take a sip of chilly water. As it travels down my neck, it somehow feels pleasant. It’s already making its way down my throat. I take another glance around. People are lost in their own little universes. I’m not sure how to seek assistance. I go to the restroom, lock myself in a cubicle, and the tears begin to flow.
Why am I so upset? I’ve done all I can to make my life as pleasant as possible. What is the purpose of these tears? What am I looking for from others? If happiness is something that comes from the inside, where is it right now? There are no solutions to the never-ending inquiries. My mind has turned into a maze of ideas. I despise myself. Yes, I agree.
Whatever has happened to me, this is a crippling affliction. Will I die as a result of this, or will I murder myself? Suicide, as someone once informed me, is not a viable option. This is something I believe in. What if my soul is trapped for thousands of years in a spiral? There would be no break in the action. I need to find a way out of this situation. Yes, the medications are beneficial.
There are some folks who are prepared to sit with me and listen objectively. How do I tell them that, despite my need for human contact, I am unable to see anyone? Yes, the situation is contradictory. I want to be surrounded by people who love one another, yet I despise socializing. How could anybody possibly comprehend that?
I’m trying to think of anything that would help me relax. A stroll in the woods, taking deep breaths in the fresh air and admiring the soothing green hue, seems like a dream come true. A conversation over a cup of tea also seems like a nice idea to me. Food is always seen as healing. I’m trying to stay away from booze. Though it would provide a brief high, the aftereffects would be more demoralizing.
I notice that my breathing has returned to normal when I think about these things. I’m no longer blind to what’s going on around me. I can hear everything that’s going on around me. For the time being, it has vanished. I also know it will return, and I have no idea how quickly it will do so. I’m terrified. This is, however, the situation. This is how I distinguish myself.
I’m grateful that this has made me more sensitive to other people’s feelings. I no longer pass judgment on others. Yes, I’m taking a deep breath right now. My heart has been lighter. For the time being, I shall carry on with my life. Someone once said that we will believe just what we can see with our eyes. My affliction’s invisibility is a misfortune that I must bear. Today, I take tiny steps ahead, loving every little sparkle that comes my way.